Public Service Announcement #2

You will never hear me say that I'm any expert on child rearing. I know the nanosecond I say that, my kids will eagerly show how I'm not. I have, however, realized a few things over my 10 years of 5 kids and one is that the baby industry preys on hormonal pregnant ladies. More than half of the stuff sold in Babies R Us is not necessary. If you take a gander at the book Material World: A Global Family Portrait by Peter Menzel, you might think it was closer to 95%. Anyway, my neighbors are expecting their first and as per American custom, registered at Make Money Like Fiends Babies R Us. I've decided to help them out with my own list of necessary baby items.

Things you don't need:

1. A nursing cover. You say you're modest now but all modesty will leave after your labor experience. Modesty is a luxury for men and single women who don't go to their doctors regularly, and nosey people should mind their own business!

2. Shopping cart seat covers. Once you see your kid eat cheerios off the floor, you'll realize this was in vain. Besides, it's one more thing to wash when you get home.

3. Baby bath tub. The little nubber will sit calmly in this for about a week and then realize that splashing is lots of fun. You'll be left with an even bigger mess than before.

4. Gi-huge-ic plastic diaper bags in pastel colors with cartoon characters. You do want your husband to change the baby while you're both out, yes? Get something that won't emasculate him on the way to the changing area.

5. Baby bath towels with the hoods. It is unlikely a baby will get pneumonia in the five minutes between getting out of the bath and getting into their fleece jammies. Your own lovely bath towels work just fine.

6. Small bibs. What delusional human being thought that babies would limit their meal time mess to a 6"x6" area on their chests? You want these from IKEA. The only thing missing is a hood.

Things you do need:

1. Telekinetic powers or the Honda Asimo robot. Without fail, as soon as you sit down to nurse, the phone or door bell will ring, you'll get a runny nose, and/or be insanely thirsty and you will have nothing to help you. While Asimo is cool, I think the telekinetic powers might be cheaper.

2. Mini Van. The ability to buckle in Precious without your tush hanging out in the rain is priceless. If you think you won't look cool in a mini van, just slap some flames on the hood and you'll be the envy of the neighbors. No really, just ask ours.

3. A stroller that closes up in one try. This saves on having to un-teach the kids all those swear words which they will gladly repeat in front of your mom.

4. A multi surface steam cleaner and a case of Clorox sanitizing wipes. Potty training? Stomach bug? Need I say more?

5. A shot gun. Its 6:00 am. You've just gotten Junior back to sleep after two hours of crying (yours and his) and you collapse into your bed. Then a car alarm goes off or someone honks for his morning coworker. You'll definitely want a shot gun and I know any cop with kids will understand.

6. A gift certificate to Old Navy. This is for mom to buy twelve of those stylish, yet eminently washable tops. I've gone through four shirts in a day with a burpy baby, and that's with trying to ignore the small stains.

So there you have it folks. You seasoned moms, if you have a minute to spare (Bwah, ha, ha!!) what are your suggestions?

More Mariah Moments

I've been having quite a laugh with everyone's Mariah moment. I'm kind of thinkin' I should send some of these to her but she's in Paris (is there e-mail in Paris or is that too American?)

A good friend of mine in college graduated with Debbie Gibson, so we got to commiserate from time to time. Also in college, I mentioned that I had gone to school with her, and two women in the room asked me where, and when I said Harborfields, they asked if I knew Rachel Fenderson (they had played basketball with her)... Someone who was in a show with me found out about my connection, and the very next thing he said was, "So, was she a bitch in high school?" (This guy once had Jim Breuer walk all over his laundry, which he had dropped on the sidewalk, and he then proceeded to tell him off, adding, "and you sucked when you were on SNL!" - much to the amusement of the female SNL costar walking with him.).

But you should all check out this past week's episode from the NPR show "Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me":
http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=35&prgDate=03-29-2008&view=storyviewand click on the "Listen to show" link at the top. If you don't want to listen to the full show, just fast forward to the Bluff the Listener segment (about 11-12 minutes in). I think you'll like it. --Dennis

(Listen to the NPR bit and then you can be in the know about the following)

Here is a fierce grizzly bear in the wild.










Studies have shown that soft soothing music can turn even the wildest beast docile.

A little "Vision of Love" has turned our fierce bear into a more loving, peaceful member of the planet









In 1992 (pre-boob job [I'm talking about Mariah, not me]), I was student-teaching in the Boston Public Schools. There was a 16-year-old student in choir who was smart yet annoying (I heard every day about her "hanging out" with the guys from New Kids...yeah, I wouldn't have bragged about it either). Anyhoo, she was a huge Mariah fan.

One day she came into class & excitedly showed me her latest purchase, a Mariah songbook. She was going to learn every last one of those songs on the piano. The next day, she called me over to the piano - "Miss! Miss!" (They never used names, only "Miss" or "Mr.".) She played the first 4 bars of the first song. Then she played the first 4 bars of the next song. After a few songs, she said, "Oh, my God! They all sound the same!" It was a very gratifying moment. --Zoe

(In all fairness Zoe, even Mozart sounds a little repetitive sometimes....)

Well, that's all for now.

Contact Your Congressman

There is very important legislation that needs to be passed. Please read the following carefully and call your Congressboy today!

A BILL
THE CAR ALARM RELIEF ACT

Purpose: To encourage people with hoopty cars to be considerate of others.

BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF RHODE ISLAND:

Section 1: WHEREAS; if your car alarm has been making that exceedingly irritating noise for more than 5 minutes, AND you are nowhere within ear-shot of your car, WHICH means that it can't be that important to you anyway, I have the right to shoot your car.

Section 2: WHEREAS; if your car alarm goes off, AND if your car is more than 5 years old, AND is made by Pontiac or GMC, I have the right to shoot your car and slap you in the face when you DO show up for having a car alarm on a car that no one wants to steal in the first place.

Section 3: WHEREAS; if your car alarm goes off after 11:00 pm, I have the right to shoot your car immediately, AND slap you silly when you show up for waking me up with your @#$% car alarm.

I would have posted this yesterday (April 1) but I didn't want anyone to think I was joking.

Public Service Announcement

If you love your family and want only the best for them you will brine your chicken. What am I talking about? Every time you have a recipe that calls for boneless, skinless chicken breast, first soak the chicken in the below brine for 20 minutes and proceed as usual. No more tough dry chicken for your dear ones. You can thank me tonight after dinner.

Dissolve 1/2 cup kosher salt and 1/2 cup sugar in 4 cups of water in a non-reactive bowl. This amount is good for 1 pound of chicken.

Wow, three posts in a day. Can you tell I'm blowing off schooling the kids?

PriceRite, We Hardly Knew Ye

Here in the 'hood we have a lovely, little known secret to frugal living - PriceRite. Some people consider it a little on the dicey side, what with all the funky ethnic foods, unfamiliar brands and the some what dingy interior, but I kind of like it. For one thing, despite all the ethnic foods and teenage Latinos and African Americans stocking the shelves, they play Journey on the PA! I even heard Duran Duran. They play the soundtrack of my generation! This being Rhode Island, I bet I went to high school with the store manager.

I love when I walk in to PriceRite, there's a greeter. If you hang around long enough, she'll start a Bible study right there in the doorway. (Wal Mart has a door greeter too but not Nordstrom's or Whole Foods. Hmmm, do higher income people not need a "Hey, How ya doin'?"). All the Latina moms enter and immediately grab fifty produce bags and start filling them up. Meanwhile, the produce in Stop N Shop looks like it hasn't been touched in ages.

And the bargins! For example:

At Whole Foods, "Robert, can you pass the $4.99 Farmland Nitrite Free Bacon?"
At PriceRite, "Ai, chica, di me este $2.99 Farmland Nitrite Free Bacon!"

At Stop n Shop, a display of dried cornhusks in the "Food of the World" section for $3.99 each.
At PriceRite, cornhusks thrown in a large bin with $.99 SALE! sign stuck on top.

and my personal favorite - Nutella!
Stop N Shop $3.69
PriceRite $1.99

Not only good deals but fun foods. No where else in the city can you get Chocolate Gelatin (gelatin, not pudding. Maria, Gail, give me a shout out on this) or Chubby Soda in sorrel! or cotton candy! By the way, Chubby Soda has 38 grams of sugar per serving; coke has 27, orange juice is 30, just to give you a comparison.

All this to say, I love PriceRite. Dicey, edgy, Goya bargain' filled PriceRite. So imagine my horror when I went into their new store.

They relocated from the heart of Olney-Falujah to the old Shaw's on Atwells. A brand new, clean building. Next to a Staples. Already I was nervous.

The first thing I saw when I walked in was - a coffee counter! A pseudo-cafe just like Whole Foods. They were selling espresso! and lattes! and little pastries! Oh the humanity! And it didn't stop there. I saw a girl stacking baguettes into a bin. Baguettes?!? WT???!~ Not even Goya baguettes! And sample tables! Fresh mozzarella! Where's the dingy? Where's the edgy? THEY'VE GONE MAINSTREAM!

Oh PriceRite, you broke my heart.

Seperated At Birth?

My dear friend Gail, having recently read my "Your Mariah Moment", asked for clarification on Ken's moment. She asked, "Sheila Egan? would that be Sheila E? I am so not into pop culture anymore it is sad." Well, to enlighten Gail and perhaps a few others not in the know, here's a guide to Sheilas:


This is Sheila Margaret Egan. Stylish gal, quick wit, lovely Irish lass.

This is Sheila E (E for Escovedo). Stylish latina, unknown wit, diva percussionist

Hope this clarifies things for y'all.

Your Mariah Moment

For all you just surfing by on the internet (and by the way, just how did you get here?), this post may or may not have any interest to you. Some of us lucky folk had the opportunity to go to school with someone famous. Some times this bit o'trivia plays into our lives, so I asked some friends from high school to share if it has.

There were some teenagers who lived across the street from me and they were at my house discussing their favorite singers. I'd had previously shown them my year book with dear M's picture (earnin' me some street cred). One of the girls then said to me,"My friend thinks Mariah is in her 30's but I told her no, Mariah's got to be older because Ms. Kerr went to school with her and Ms. Kerr is really old." --that's my story

My Mariah moment happens every so often at work. Someone will talk about the versatility of her voice or how she can be poppy, bluesy or torch in her style of singing that she must have been a real star in her high school chorus - I happily tell them that we are on the same page in the year book and that she was actually not in choir, but I was. My friend Hector's reaction was this "She got fame, fortune and all the body money can buy and you, well you got us." 'Nuf said. --Lisa

(remember Lisa, no amount of fame or fortune can buy you talented snarky friends)

I help coach two softball teams. One of the girls on the older team loves to sing. When she is out of school she is going to try for American Idol. My husband, Jorge, said that I knew Mariah, she screamed so loud it was crazy. She wouldn't believe it. I told her I went to school with Mariah and when we were younger she lived down the road from me. She screamed again asked if I saw her any more and then proceeded to call her best friend on the cell phone who also screamed. It was hilarious to see the way she acted.--Karin

(you should have run with it, "Yeah, M and I had coffee the other day.
She said fans who scream loudly make her nauseous.")

One of my college friends used to point me out at parties and say "See that guy--he did Mariah Carey". Of course, then they would actually look a little bit closer at me and no one ever believed him.--John

(you're a quality guy for not being crude about it.)

As a teacher of high school students I have occasionally played the "Mariah Card" but usually only after a student brings her up. They never believe me and I misplaced my yearbook sometime in the 90's but I still have the impressive middle school yearbook with a young Mariah picture for verification. Oh, and my little sister went to her concert at the Middle school.--Erika

My best story is, after hearing her on the radio for a few months after her first single hit, my sister Betsy called me and said "didn't this girl used to play at our house?" And it is sad, but true. --Brenda

(did you teach her to bake, too?)

My Mariah moment was in 1991-2 after I decided to travel the world to see new and different cultures, get away from the crass Americans, etc., etc., and in my first stop outside the U.S., - Hyvinkka, Finland, I think - I walked into the house past my host brother's room, and there was a HUGE poster of Mariah on the wall. So much for getting away from it all...--Christine

My memorable story is all about the response. I was living in St. Louis, Misery (alt. spelling Missouri) for several years and was talking with a friend I had met out there. We had been friends for a couple of years before the Mariah topic somehow came up one night. When I mentioned that I had gone to high school with Mariah he started with the typical response, "Really?", but quickly followed it with a much cooler response, "Do you know Sheila Egan?"

Turns out my friend had dated Sheila for a while in college. Not only was Sheila in our class, but she and I grew up across the street from each other. So really this is more of a small world story than a Mariah story. --Ken

I'll post more when they come in.
By the way, not as many people seem to care about going to school with Andi Pukke ( www.assetprotectionbook.com/ftc_memorandum_29Mar05.pdf.) Anyone up for some treasure hunting in the Cook Islands? Or Nevis? Where is Nevis?

Caption Contest

This is Baby



You might know him from

"Makin' Pies for Becky"
or
"Act Now! Limited Special Offer!"
or
"Go RVing!" (he was the one who terrorized the hamster)

Baby is God's loving way of helping me develop

patience
endurance
stamina
a sense of humor
a greater appreciation for my other kids
a taste for martinis

But I digress.

The real point of this post is a Caption Contest. Send in your entries for a caption for this photo and you could win ....
(no, not Baby because no one would enter)

A Coffee Cake!


Now go be creative while Mommy has a drink

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?!?

I need a Sock-a-Nator. Here's what a Sock-a-Nator will do:

*It will go through my house every night and pick up the 2,000 or so socks that my five kids leave here and yond.

*The Sock-a-Nator will be able to tell 1. which socks were truly worn and 2. which were carried downstairs with the intent of being worn but then carelessly left on the floor. The Sock-a-Nator will then administer a sound thrashing to the owners of the second category.

*The Sock-a-Nator will wash the socks, match them up and put them in the appropriate drawer.

*Upon hearing the cry, "Moooommm!!!, I don't have any socks!" the Sock-a-Nator will automatically redirect the child to their sock drawer or their laundry that needs to be put in the washing machine. The Sock-a-Nator will also give Mom a quick back rub lest she explodes from hearing "Moooommm!!!, I (fill in the blank)!!" for the umpteenth time that day.

*The Sock-a-Nator will find a true and noble use for the orphaned single socks so Mom doesn't feel guilty about throwing away single socks.

*The Sock-a-Nator will, once per quarter, buy stock in Hanes to recoup money spent on buying socks for a large family. The dividends from said stock (which will rise exponentially because my kids won't stop growing like I've asked them to) will go into a high yield money market account from which Mom will buy stuff from Frederick's of Hollywood so Mom can once again feel like a sexy woman and not the Manic Sock Nazi.

That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Never Eat Flourless Chocolate Torte Before Bed

Now I can't sleep.
I've been reading "A Life in Secrets: Vera Atkins and the Missing Agents of WWII". Then I watched The Bourne Ultimatum. All this spy stuff is cool but I don't think I'd make a good spy.

Agent: "You undercover name is Alice Roberts."
Me: "Can't I be Raven Le Diva?"
Agent: "Will you grow up?!"
Me: "How about Paris Hilton?"

Unfriendly foreign agent: "Tell us what's in the secret file!"
Me: "Nope."
Unfriendly foreign agent: "We'll give you a Caramel Macchiato, a Borders gift card and a foot rub."
Me: "Make that a grande Macchiato and you've got yourself a deal."

Agent: "Where's the secret file?"
Me: "Sorry, Baby got it."
Agent: "What?! The enemy has our file?"
Me: "No, my two year old. He also dropped the surveillance equipment in the toilet with the Polly Pockets. I'm beginning to think he works for the other side."

Agent: "We have a problem in Crazistan!"
Me: "Yeah, well, its 5:30, I've got nothing defrosted for dinner, I'm out of milk and Baby needs a new diaper so don't tell me about your problems!!"

Agent: "We need you to go deep undercover for six weeks in the People's Republic of Uh-oh."
Me: "Can I watch 'The Office' on Thursday?"
Agent: "This is a serious situation."
Me: "But its an all new episode!"

Agent: "The enemy agent is on the move! We've gotta go!"
Me: "Hey, I'm tryin' to blog here, will you stop hassling me?!"

On the Verge of Blasphemy...

I used to think that the reason why Jesus appeared to women first is because it reflected how high God esteemed women. My friend Jen pointed out perhaps another reason Jesus chose women.

What would have happened after Jesus appeared to the men first:
Guy A "Hey did you catch that game last night? It was insane!"
Guy B "Yeah, it was. Hey, speaking of games, did you know Jesus is alive?"
Guy A "No, man, that's awesome! Wanna grab a burger?"
Guy B "Nah"
Guy A "Whatever"

What probably happened after Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene & the others:
Lady A "Oh my goodness, I just saw the most amazing thing!"
Lady B "Wait, let me call Martha over! Martha, come hear this!"
Lady A "Jesus is alive! I just saw him, walking and alive and I was sooo happy, I cried! By the way, nice sandals!"
Lady B "Thanks! That's amazing you saw Jesus! I'm so jealous of you! How did he look? Was he feeling ok?"
Lady A "Well, like I told Mary and Elizabeth and Esther, he looked just like a normal person only his hair was shiny and his clothes were white!"
Lady B "White clothes? I wonder where he got those from? Did he say anything to you?"
Lady A "Well, no, but the angel said, 'Do not be amazed. You seek Jesus the Nazarene who has been crucified. He was raised. He is not here. See the place where they put Him?' "
Lady B "You didn't tell me there was an angel!"
Lady A "Oh I'm sorry, I guess I'm just too excited. I have to go tell the disciples!"
Lady B "I'm going to tell my sisters and the girls at the market!"

Women...the vastly more effect public alert system.

A Point of Clarification...

I don't want anyone to read the last post and think that I go through my day singing hymns or looking adoringly at the latest mess saying, "Oh, aren't those cherubs of mine just so artistic!!" There is a fair amount of complaining that goes on in Casa de Diva. There have even been a few times where the dear husband says, "If I give you this latte, will you promise not to hurt me?" However, unlike the book I reviewed below, I try to keep the whining to a minimum because of what I said in my last post. I think there is value in relating your troubles to your friends. It is right and proper, as they say, to seek the wisdom and guidance of your peers. But I think discussing your challenges and seeking encouragement and insight is different from publishing an entire book of what's wrong with modern mommy-dom with little discussion of the more important big picture.

Book Review!

Maybe it’s the timing. I recently read Shant "1,001 Nights in Iraq" based on his experience being trapped in Iraq for nine years and eventually getting out alive. Its a fascinating tale of a man stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time. Despite a horrible situation, which he had little control over, he maintained his integrity and honor, facing adversity with dignity.Shant's book ends with his faith intact and his outlook positive.

Then I picked up Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile's "I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood" This was a non-stop whine-fest penned by two middle class American moms about how hard it is to raise two kids and I knew I just had to break out the big guns.

Why did I read it? I thought the title was intriguing and it's obviously a topic rather close to home. According to the Amazon blurb, this book is supposed to help today's moms discover why they are 1) not happy, 2) overwhelmed with guilt and 3) faced with such huge expectations. I never had so much trouble getting through a book. For those of you who know me (and hugs to you all), that says something. I think the reason I had such trouble is because I was stopping every other page to yell, "Where the hell did you come up with that idea?"

Now the clever person would have sense enough to stop yelling at an inanimate object and put it down, but not me! I kept hoping that if I pushed through, I'd get to the helpful, insightful, uplifting part. Instead I found such gems as, "I thought having a baby would be like having a pet - oh, this will be cute, we'll be this happy little family." (no, I'm not kidding, it's on p.20) or, "I'm continually running away from my children. I love them but they just drain me. There's a poof of smoke at 2:30 pm when my help arrives and I fly out the door." (p. 30).

So now I've read the entire book, wrote a review on Amazon and am fired up enough to blog ("Yay!" says my friend Gail. "Oh Lordy!" sighs the rest of the crowd)

I think the answer to all the angst in the book is quite possibly the best line published in the English language: "It's not about you." (from The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren). Allow me to explain.

The authors start with the dedications that read "For (the children); we simply adore you. And for (the husbands), for being what matters most." Then they spend the rest of the book telling us how frustrated they are being moms and how the husbands just don't get it. This seems to me to be a contradiction. How can you have the deep rich relationships without the hard and dirty work that goes with it? That's what makes relationships valuable, the price you had to pay for it.

And who told these ladies that motherhood was about being happy? I love Leo Rosten's quote (its posted on my refrigerator): "I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all."

Yes, it gets draining: the dirty diapers, the whiney kids, the endless laundry. But the point is that this is the battle for a higher purpose: to be useful and contribute to making someone else's life better.

It would seem from reading this book that a lot of women quoted within do not realize the purpose of children. I don't pretend to have the answer to that question but one thing I do know is that children are not accessories, a check mark in our "List of Things to Do in Life". They are the refineries of the metal that is your character. With the right attitude, you will be a better person for having been a mother. With the wrong attitude, you're just killing time until the next event.

My dear husband, always the voice of reason, said, "Well what book would you suggest?" And that got me to thinking. I really don't have one book to recommend. My ideas about motherhood have been formed from 10 years of experience, reading (both motherhood books and non-motherhood books) and divinely inspired older women. Really, what it comes down to is realizing who God is in my life and what he has planned for me. Knowing what my larger purpose is doesn't make the pee on the floor or the markers on the couch go away (or even make me happy to deal with them) but it does put perspective on the circumstances and helps me cope better with the challenges of raising my five little darlings.

So now I need to be inspired. I'm going to read "The Bielski Brothers" by Peter Duffy. Its about three Jewish brothers, whose own families were taken to concentration camps during WWII, helped over 1,000 Jews (young and old) to escape to the forests of Poland to avoid the Nazis. How can such a depressing topic be inspiring? Because these brothers saw the bigger purpose in their lives, to live beyond themselves and face their challenge without whining.

Internet......sigh.....

Some friends were recently on an episode of Wife Swap. Sufficed to say that ABC has an agenda when they edit the material for the show and my friends did not come out on the upside of this agenda. I knew this going in because I too have some ideas that are somewhat "counter cultural" and have had complete strangers ask me the the darnedest things; "Is home schooling legal?" - would I tell you if it wasn't? Or my personal favorite: "Are all those kids yours? By the same husband?" - if I throw this bone, will you go away?

Anyway, little did I know, ABC has message boards for all these shows, and the virulent attacks on my friends are astounding. I wonder if, brought face to face, these people would have the courage to say the same things to my friends. A lot of the posts are calling for the authorities to intervene. These are the same people who would drive by a homeless person, not bother to vote, and ignore the neighbor next door who's struggling with something. Yet behind the wonderful anonymity of the internet, we can call each other names and accuse each other of egregious things and walk away without consequence. Worst of all, I fell into it myself. I started by merely defending my friends and then started to point out flaws in the other family. We're making judgments about people and the futures of the their children all based on 44 minutes of their lives picked by ABC. We have a multitude of ways to communicate, we are invited to voice our opinions more than ever before, we have opportunities to be heard and all we can do is digress into snipping at each other like a bunch of ....well, idiots. I apologize for my part and hope I can act with more grace and mercy tomorrow.

Act Now! Limited Special Offer!

I have found the way to make millions. I have discovered a procrastination cure. Do you suffer from not vacuuming because you think to yourself, "I'll do that later?" Have you told yourself, "I really don't have time to clean (fill in the blank) now." End all that procrastination with my simple but exciting new non-procrastination program. Here's how it works. You simply have my 18 month old son ("Baby") stay with you for a week and anything you needed to clean or fix will be immediately put to the top of your priority list. For example, up until yesterday, I had been meaning to clean my toilet for a week. In just a few minutes, Baby just walked into the bathroom, threw some stuff in the toilet, stirred it around with the Swiffer mop and left a huge mess that I couldn't ignore. I also wanted to vacuum but thought I'd do it later. When Baby knocked the potted plant onto the floor spilling dirt everywhere, I was forced to put down what I was doing and vacuum. What I had put off for weeks, Baby manage to punt to the front of the To Do list in five minutes! What a fabulous system! But don't just take my word for it, just read these testimonials:

"Before I used the Baby system, I had been wanting to replace my screen door for months. When I got Baby, he immediately sent a large toy through the screen forcing me to go to Home Depot that very afternoon. Thanks Baby!"- Susi Farquahar

"I had been trying to redecorate my house but my many social obligations kept me from accomplishing this. Once Baby was in my house, he used permanent marker on my couch, piddled on my rugs and pulled down my curtains. As I write this the designer is on his way over to discuss new color schemes! I plan to tell all my friends about this great system!"
- Raven le Babe-Hunkmeister

So there you have it! End procrastination in your life! Send for Baby now! No, I mean it, like right now! Call today!
As an added incentive, the first caller will also get the Early Disobedience Warning Sibling. This sibling will go off like a car alarm the nano-second someone does something remotely wrong. No more discovering old messes or accidents, this kid will actually pre-warn you when someone's going to misbehave! You can be proactive in your day!

Making Pie for Becky

This is one of those "blogs about raising my kids." So if this kind of thing makes you gag, gives you hives or causes an ebola outbreak, click on by.

Anyway, another friend just had a baby. Yes, I know I just posted about a friend having a baby. What can I say except that I live in a fertile area (or maybe its the nuclear plant near by). So I'm making dinner for this friend, and I thought "Hey, I'll just make a quick chocolate cream pie for her." A more practical thought would have been to say, "Hey, I'll just jet over to Paris for croissants." I start by measuring out the cocoa powder and the sugar. I stop what I'm doing to unlock the bathroom door so the Baby can get out. I don't know how he managed to lock himself in. Then I separate and whisk three egg whites and stop what I'm doing to get the Baby out of the cat food, which he has spilled all over the floor and in the water dish. I heat the milk with the cocoa mixture on the stove and stop what I'm doing to get the Baby off the step stool and away from the house alarm system. Then I knock the pre-made pie crust onto the floor. Baby starts eating the bits off the floor before I can salvage the pie crust and use it (hey, the floor was just cleaned a few days ago!). I get Baby to stop eating momentarily so I can try to sweep up. I don't do a very good job as Baby is still trying to get at the pie crust bits and its hard to sweep and keep him away.

I continue to heat the cocoa and milk mixture on the stove and stop what I'm doing to get Baby away from the alarm again. I process graham crackers to make a new pie crust and stop what I'm doing to stop Baby from throwing Polly Pockets into the toilet. I have too many crumbs for one pie so in a fit of environmentalism (not wanting to waste the extra crumbs) I make another pie crust. At this point, I have a mess by the cat's eating area, pie crumbs still on the floor, water on the floor in the bathroom, Pollys in the toilet and Baby's clothes are wet. As he tries for a third time to set off the house alarm, I toss him outside in the yard. He's wet, he has no shoes, no jacket and its December. The way I figure it, he's not complaining, the interior of my house is safe for a little while and dealing with Child Protective Services has got to be easier than keeping up with Baby. Now I finish making my pies and clean the house of the various and sundry messes Baby has made.

Now I could complain about the hardships of raising up an 18 month old but no one stuck a gun to my head and said "Reproduce! And be quick about it!" And when I sat down to think about it, keeping up with Baby landed me a clean house and two desserts. That's pretty good return for a day's work.

Wow......

I went to my 20th High School reunion. Actually, I was too cheap to go to the actual reunion so I went to a party my friend was hosting the next day. I had a lovely time and my heartfelt thanks go out to not only our hostess but my husband who spent the entire time keeping our 18 month old from trashing the joint while I socialized like someone who's been in a closet for the past year.
The party was all at once weird and wonderful. It was weird because everyone looked different yet familiar. It was wonderful to see with what ease everyone got along despite a 20 year absence. I told my husband it was like getting together with siblings I wasn't actually related to. Actually, better because I don't have any memories of my classmates getting me in trouble with Mom. The only difficult part was watching the old prom video. I'm sure a psychoanalyst would explain my cringing was the result of unacknowleged vanity. Or maybe despair at the lost of those cool dance moves.
Anyway, for those of you TFTD'ers tuning in, I have some questions that I didn't get a chance to ask. Seeing as how its my blog, I'll answer first.

1. Are you doing what you thought you would be doing?
Through high school, I envisioned being married and having a business career. Kids didn't really enter the picture. Now I'm out populating most of Italy.

2. What's the coolest thing you've done or have happened to you so far?
Outside of the obvious (ruggedly handsome husband and cherubic children), I think the coolest thing that's happed to me was getting my name in the acknowlegements of a published book.

3. At this point, we're all pushing 40 (gasp!), name something you want to do before you die.
Travel, only not like the flat broke college student I was when I first had the opportunity, or write a book.

4. Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks?
Dunkin' when I'm with the kids, Starbucks when its just me.

Hope you all had a safe trip home!

Dinner's Ready!

I was asked to make dinner for a friend who just had a baby. This is what I made

Hungarian Beef Goulash
serves 6-8

3 pounds beef chuck, cut into 1 1/2 " cubes
1 ½ tsp salt
1 tsp ground pepper
4 ounces sliced bacon, cut into ½ inch pieces
2 medium large onions, chopped coarse (about 2 cups)
1 medium red pepper, stemmed, seeded and chopped
6 medium garlic cloves, minced
2 tblsp sweet paprika
3 tblsp flour
1 cup white wine
2 cup chicken stock or low sodium broth
2 bay leaves
1 tsp dried thyme
4 large carrots, peeled & sliced 1/4 " thick
1/4 cup minced parsley
½ cup sour cream

1. Plan to make enough stew for friend's family and yours.
2. Defrost 4 lbs of chuck and realize that it's too much for one family but not enough for two. Convince yourself that friend's family is not as big and so 4 lbs will do. Cut into small pieces so as to make stew seem like it has lots of meat.
3. Realize that there are other ingredients missing. Hope friend won't notice.
4. Brown bacon, onions and beef separately while wondering why recipe is so fussy as to require browning everything by itself. Make comparison to children who don't like it when a sibling touches them.
5. Decide to use crock pot instead of oven because you just know better, that's all!
6. Use special sweet paprika that parents brought back from Budapest. Not having enough, supplement with paprika purchased at dollar store. Wonder if the two will cancel each other out.
7. Throw everything else into crock pot and hope nobody messes with it while you go see movie with husband.
8. Enjoy afternoon out with husband only to come home and realize that stew boiled down to dry meat. Praise God that the babysitter knew enough to turn off the crock pot before things really got charred. Wonder why you don't pay her more.
9. Fret and worry over what to do since it's getting late, the stew is ruined, your own dinner is still not made and the children are fussy.
10. Resolve to resurrect stew with more paprika, Goya tomato sauce (a little Mexican/Hungarian fusion cuisine) and water. Make children scrambled eggs for dinner.
11. Bring stew to friend at church and pray that they like it.
12. Be utterly surprised when they ask for the recipe.

Sad but True

My husband is a wonderful man. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. But (and you knew this was coming, didn't you?) a few days ago he brought me a McDonald's Monopoly game card. Now I'm hooked. I'm addicted. I'm convinced that despite what God has blessed me with, I'm going to win $1,000,000 by eating one more cheeseburger.
(I've got an extra Park Place, States Avenue, and Pennsylvania Railroad if anyone wants them. I'm also not using my 20% off Footlocker coupon either.)

Road Trip

This is one of those "What I Did During My Summer Vacation" blogs or "How to Survive a Road Trip with Small Children." Don't get me wrong, I like road trips. I'm not one to complain about being stuck in a minivan with five small children for two days straight. No really, I'm not. Done right, road trips are a great way to spend time together (that was not sarcasm) and see a little of our wonderful country. I figure with a good attitude and enough junk food, road trips can be lots of fun. Here are some of my tips.

Don't bite off more than you can chew.
We live in Rhode Island and our trip was to see my dear brother and his family in North Carolina. It’s a 12-hour trip. Factoring in potty breaks, food breaks and pulling over to make good on the threat "If I have to pull over...." it’s really a 24-hour trip. So we decided to break up the traveling over two days. We picked a point six hours away. Anymore than that with little ones and you're just asking for a mutiny. My children are wonderful but anyone will get ugly after driving for six hours.

Treats!
The dollar store is my new best friend. We buy little toys and trinkets to give the kids every few hours or so. They get a new toy or activity book, we only spent a buck and if it gets lost, it's not a big deal. We also pack junk food that we don't normally have at home. Used judiciously, you'd be surprised how much good behavior can be extracted from a bag of M&M's. And I haven't even mentioned how well the kids responded to it! To keep the nausea and sugars highs to a minimum, I also pack beef jerky and peanuts. A word of warning: do not have a large ice coffee and then get lost somewhere with no bathrooms.

Have a sense of humor.
Some times things don't work out the way you had planned. We planned to stay at a suite hotel or getting two rooms. Instead, all seven of us ended up sleeping in the same room with the hubby and I on what is possibly the squeakiest bed on earth. Sufficed to say, not much sleep was had that night. Then there was stopping in Lebanon, New Jersey, which, for some reason, does not have a public restroom anywhere. We asked in every store/restaurant/cafe with the kids giving their best puppy dog eyes. No one would let us use the restrooms. They said they didn't have any. I guess people in Lebanon, NJ don't have to piddle. Either that or they go to Pennsylvania. So our choice is to fuss about it or have some fun making Lebanon, NJ the butt of every joke from here on out. Did you hear the one about how people in Lebanon......

There's also some funny stuff to be seen out there. For example: a bill board that advertised a Botox Bonus Card (get seven injections of this toxic stuff and get the eighth free!), Dietrich's Meat Market (no word of lie, on their sign "We Custom Slaughter! Campers Welcomed!"), a trucking company called Navajo with a photo of a pale-skinned, blue-eyed Native American on the side of the truck cab. We told some of our friends about what we saw but they didn't seem to think it was that funny. Perhaps it was because they weren't sleep deprived and hopped up on beef jerky.

Be flexible.
Passing a farm in Pennsylvania, we saw one of those huge 12-foot satellite dishes with a full figure painting of Jesus on it. Of course that got us pondering some theological questions such as: Does having Jesus on your dish bless what you watch? Was there a limit to that? Did Jesus on your satellite dish prevent adult movies from getting through or does it just absolve you of the guilt associated with watching smut? The point is our children were flexible and very patient as mom and dad drove back and forth down the same stretch of highway trying to get a picture of this. However, in an effort to make it to my brother's before dinner we had to pass up such enticing stops as the Sheep Skin Store, the Furnace Museum and the J. Priestly Museum (who would have thought you could find a museum dedicated to the wonder that is Jason Priestly?)

On the way back we opted for the scenic route and took the Blue Ridge Parkway. Now when people make reference to "God's country," I know what they mean. Beautiful and scenic are understatements and I'm glad we took that route. However, going forty miles an hour would have meant returning to Rhode Island next year. So to limit our day to six hours, we decided to get off the parkway and take Route 43 back to the interstate. I should have known things would be hairy when the sign before Route 43 said, "You must be this tall to go on this ride." I've never seen so many steep twists and turns in a road in my life. If the Blue Ridge Parkway was God's Country, then Route 43 was the twisty little road to hell if you sinned.

Oh yeah, about the visit.....
We spent a lovely four days with the in-laws doing fun stuff. We took the kids swimming and my 15-month old son, known affectionately as Captain Chaos, proceeded to walk into the water like he was Mark Spitz. Going under a few times still did not cure him of this delusion. I got to ride a Segway scooter at the local science museum. An aside here: Christmas is coming and Segways are a great gift idea for busy moms you know and love! We also attended a church potluck. You have not eaten until you've gone to a southern church potluck. Can I get an Amen? My brother and his family were gracious hosts despite the fact that just before leaving, Captain Chaos knocked the hamster and his cage off the table. There were wood shavings everywhere with poor Mr. Hamster face down on the carpet. We spent a few tense moments staring at the hamster's butt looking for signs of life, but thankfully, all was well and we were able to depart with a clear conscience. Thank you guys, it was lovely.

America: Land of the Creative

I just got back from a road trip to North Carolina. I was planning to write about that but then I saw this catalog and I just couldn't let the day go by without sharing what I found.
Oriental Trading Company is a lovely company in Nebraska that imports millions of dollars in disposable plastic doo-dads and gee-gaws begging the question, "Where's an environmentalist when you need one?!?" We recently got their Halloween catalog which I decided to read during lunch. Up until now I had been feeling that there was a certain something lacking in my life. Purpose? A sense of direction? Nay, its was item #DQ-K1248, the Hose Nose. This charming little item is a plastic nose filled with sour-apple flavored candy slime which you can suck out. Mmmm....candy slime....who needs Haagen Dazs when you got candy slime? Now you have to wonder, who at the candy factory knew that sour apple is the flavor closest to actual booger? Are there crusty bits mixed in? If I open the cap, does it just run out or do I have to pick it out? The description in the catalog also mentions that the candy slime is fat free! That's good because I was starting to get concerned about the nutritional value of my booger flavored candy slime. There are also straps to secure the nose to your ears. Well, didn't those kind people at Oriental Trading just think of everything! Do you suppose they had a test market group where one of the responses was "Well, the slime was certainly tasty but hard to eat as the nose kept sliding down my face. Ear straps would definitely help were I to be walking and trying to suck the slime out at the same time."
Now I love America but it concerns me that there are people who are paid serious money to create items like this. Where I can I send my resume?

I have a confession to make....

I think I'm a book-a-holic. This horrible realization came to me last Friday while I was in our local public library. The wonderful librarians set up a shelf off to the side where they sell books that have been taken out of circulation. I don't want to tell you how much they sell them for because I don't want the rest of you getting at my stash. Anyway, I saw a book I thought would be cool to read and dug through my purse looking for loose change so I could buy it. I seriously considered asking the librarian for a loan. I mean, I kind of know them since I'm there every week, but if you knew how cheap the books were you'd see how pathetic this all is. Instead, I sent my poor belabored 10 year old out to the car to get a dime that was in the coin tray so I could get this book.

I came home, put my new acquisition on top of the other books I have lined up to read and then it hit me. I have two books up stairs in my room that I'm reading. I have one downstairs that I read when I'm waiting for water to boil, cookies to bake, or the baby to finish eating, etc. I have one in the basement I read when I'm on the elliptical trainer. Not to mention the two books I have on reserve at the library waiting for me to pick them up. I think I have a problem.
My other symptoms are as follows:

1. I have a love/hate relationship with the New York Times Book Review. I love it because its like reading five books in the space of a half an hour. I hate it because I end up adding six more books to my list of books to read.
2. I actually get irritated that my favorite authors are still writing because that means more books for my list.
3. I have to take a rolling suitcase to the library to take home all the stuff I borrow. The librarian actually called me personally at home once to let me know that library was going to be closed for a holiday.
4. I can't listen to NPR without adding two more books to the list.
5. About 95% of what I say to my ever patient husband begins with "You know I read somewhere that..." He actually can't recall if he's read a book or if I read it and talked his ear off about it.
6. I don't read much fiction at all because it takes time away from other categories of reading like, oh say, "The History of the AK-47" or "Economics for the Common Man" or the story behind the Cocoa Nut Grove disaster.
7. I once considered hiring a babysitter when six books I ordered arrived all at once in the mail.
8. I will read the note or bibliography section in a book to find more books to read. I've gotten to the point where I'm recognizing a lot of the stuff I've already read.
9. This is perhaps the most tell tale sign of all. I avoid going into Barnes & Noble or Borders because I end up fantasizing about having a open end charge card and going nuts in the store ("Stop complaining honey! Just empty out the U-Haul at home and bring it back for the second load!!")

Now some of you might say, "Well at least you're not addicted to alcohol or drugs!" Honestly, I think both would cost me less money and time. I can drink a beer in 10 minutes. I've spent three solid hours in a chair reading. If I went to a 12 step group, I'd probably just end up discussing addiction-related books I've read.

more things to chuckle at

I love how people use language sometimes. Some recent examples:

1. Pepsi Max
I have a sibling who accused me of shilling for Coke recently when I was actually making fun of them (Coke that is, not the sibling. I would never do such a thing to my beloved sibling. No. Honest. Really.) In the interest of parity, I shall now bust on Pepsi.
I recently saw in my local Stop n Shop "Pepsi Max". Hmmm, what makes it "Max" you say? Looking on the can, all I could find was that it was an "invigorating" soda. Goodness me, is this a soda that comes with a cold shower? $10 off your next purchase of amphetamines? It took degrading myself by watching "The Bachelor" to see the commercial that mentioned the added ginseng and caffeine. How much more of a buzz do you need from your beverage that ordinary caffeine and sugar don't supply?

2. Village of the Damned
A little liberal arts college in the bucolic New England mountains has on the map of the campus "Village of Learning" This struck me as funny. Is it really necessary to point out that on this spot on the campus learning occurs? What else is there? The Town of Eating? The Hamlet of Sleeping? What else would go on at a college but learning? Or should I say what else should be going on? I could understand this sort of marking on a map for a preschool. You know, differentiating between the learning area and the play area but for goodness sake, if you're paying some serious cash for college, I would think you could figure out where the learning is happening on your own.

3. Curiously... curiously...curious?
A friend of ours was recently described as curiously soulful. Is this like "I didn't know you could be soulful?" or "You're introspective in a Curious George kind of way?" Just what was the author trying to say? "You're so corporate I didn't know you had a soul?"
I had to go to my trusty 1828 Webster's to look up curiously. It is defined as "With nice inspection, inquisitively, attentively" as in "you have inspected soulfulness with attention". It is also defined as "With nice care and art; exactly, neatly, elegantly" as in "You are neatly soulful. Those other guys might be sloppy but you are elegant in your soulfulness!" The last definition is "In a singular manner, unusually" as in "Wow, you're focused in you soulfulness, how unusual" I dunno. Just playing with words.
Anyway, for something so hard to define it is not a unique description. I got 63,800 hits when I Googled "curiously soulful". One was for a punk Korean group, one was for an alternative music group called the Clogs and one was for the old time musical Carousel. You're in good company Mark.

Love or Why do I hurt myself?

I don't know why I keep doing this. This insanity has got to stop. Yet every year its the same thing. The kids do some reading for the local library reading program. As a result, they earn a ticket for a free meal at Home Town or Old Country Buffet AND WE GO THERE AND EAT!!!! Why does this upset me? (bad language warning here) BECAUSE THE FOOD SUCKS!!!! It sucks out loud! It sucks in ways that are ineffable! How do the execs at this company sleep at night? I paid $11.00 for a buffet that included a steak that looked remarkably like a Payless faux leather shoe I threw out last week! They had the nerve to charge me $3.00 so my son could eat a 1/4 cup of instant mashed potatoes, a box mix cookie and call that a meal! I half expect to look in the kitchen and find piles of Stouffer's boxes on the floor with ex-cons chained to microwave ovens chanting "pull back plastic, heat for ten minutes, remove carefully and serve". Add this to the fact that everyone and their dog is walking around the buffet with their unwashed hands sniffing and snuffling (sneeze guard, my foot!). Just what is that mysterious smell by the ice cream machine!?!
But the children love it. They're so happy when I suggest we go. And why not? Where else can they have a carbohydrate extravaganza for dinner along with a dessert buffet? My one child ate a piece of bread, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and one fish nugget (batter dipped, of course). The Department of Youth and Families should be storming my house about now yelling, "How about some nutrients with those sugars?" But again, the children love it and my short term memory fails me, so every year we go. Next year, please, for the love of all that's good and tasty, some one call me and tell me to stop the madness.

GO RVing!

Well, if there is a cult for people who like to RV, sign me up! I just got back from a four day trip and I am hooked! Yes folks, you heard right! I spent four days in a large tin can with five kids under that age of 10 and I liked it! And it had nothing to do with winning the big bag of 15 candy bars! Could I use any more exclamation marks? I don't know! Let's find out!

We rented a 28 foot class C RV (that's the kind that looks like the off spring of a Ford van that mated with a Winnebago). It had a small kitchen, a bathroom with a shower and a bedroom in the back. We rented the rig from a lovely place in East Providence called E-Zee Rentals (clever name, eh?). After packing the rig up with provisions, we headed out to New Hampshire, North Woodstock to be exact, in the more than picturesque White Mountains. Between getting a bit lost in Manchester, stopping for lunch and taking our sweet time in the new ride, it took us about six hours. We arrived at the wonderful Woodstock KOA campground (co-ah or kay-oh-aye, take your pick, either way they were very helpful) late afternoon, hooked up the utilities in about 15 minutes and voila! Camping without the hassles!

Apparently we were not the only ones with this brilliant idea because the camp ground filled up fast, but despite all the campers, it didn't feel like the beer line at a Red Sox game. The camp ground had a play ground, a pool, a miniature golf course (putt-putt for all of you west of New York) and a pond to fish in. And let me tell you about the activities! One evening the girls went with Dad to a s'mores roast. The next day, they played kickball with a group. We took a hay ride, drown some worms in the pond and went to an ice cream social. But the highlight of the trip was candy bar bingo. In the last round, the "cover-all" in Bingo lexicon, Hannah, who only minutes before came back to the table after being punished for whining about the game, won the grand prize of candy, 15+ bars! The only down side of the trip was when I was playing a game with Justin in which I thought for sure I was losing (no comments from y'all!). Seeing as how I was so behind in points, I made the bet that who ever wins would have to dump the waste tanks. Wouldn't you know God has a sense of humor and I won by 2 points! Moral of the story here kids-DON'T GAMBLE! IT STINKS!

All this fun despite that fact that my first experience with an RV (when I was a kid) included a very stinky bathroom and a brother that threw up on me, so I wasn't expecting a whole lot. However, not only did we have fun camping, but on the way back we found a yard sale and a buy one get one free fireworks store. With Dwight Yoakum on the iPod and we were havin' a good ol' time!

"But it's not really camping!" you say. "So what?" I say. We had a camp fire, we ate s'mores, we saw lots of trees, and we came back smelling smoky. But unlike "traditional" tent camping, we all slept well, didn't have to shake the dirt out of every thing we brought with us, could escape the bugs, kept the food cold, didn't have to put up a tent, could play a game at night with the girls in the cool, well lit comfort of the back bedroom, and had more than enough room to pack all the stuff we needed. I do have to agree though that having a satelite dish TV hook up is a little over the top. Some of the other rigs I saw were larger than my house. At that point, you're not camping, you're relocating.

So, I will now be accepting donations for the Dawn Kerr RV Fund. Contributions are not tax deductible but those who donate will receive a postcard from the next KOA site! For the rest of you-GO RVing!!!

So Much to Chuckle About

1. I swear it's not my fault! I was born this way!!
This is from Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus ("This book changed my life!!"-Dari Mullins)

Researchers at Queens' University in Belfast, Northern Ireland, discovered that girl babies move their mouths more than boy babies even before birth. Ultrasounds performed on pregnant women showed that twenty weeks into gestation, girls made about 30 percent more mouth movements per hour than boys.

Chatter on ladies! It's your birthright!


2. Coke Plus
Yes folks, believe it or not Coca Cola has come out with a diet soda with vitamins and minerals. Healthy junk food! No, honest! Really! Somethin' yer mamma would be proud of! I looked at the ingredients list (yes, I know, dumb idea) and could hardly pronounce a word in the list. But hey! What do I care? To heck with the grilled chicken salad with a glass of lemon water! Pass me a Coke Plus!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day Ladies!

It's that joyous time of year again where we can sit back and say "I ain't cooking tonight!"

My darling babies, without whom I would not qualify to celebrate this day, ask me every year what I want for Mother's Day. Every year I tell them "peace and quiet" and every year they roll their eyes and mutter something about me being difficult to shop for. So I thought I'd help them out by making a list on my blog (which I haven't visited for so long that I actually found cobwebs when I tried to log in).

1. A Left-Over-Nator
This device will remove all food substances from my refrigerator that have become inedible, cheerfully wash out the funky storage containers and gently inform me in the morning that what I was planning on serving tonight is no longer available. The optional "Alternative-Meal-O-Matic" would be appreciated.

2. A caramel latte delivered to my door every day at 1:30 during quiet time (iced during the summer, please)

3. NO MORE SILLY ARTICLES ABOUT HOW MUCH MOMS ARE WORTH IN THE JOB MARKET
I'm getting a little tired of these brain trusts informing me that I am worth $130,000. What as I suppose to do with that information? Bean my husband over the head with it? If he doesn't respect me now, some pithy little article like this won't open him up to a new reality. To find our self worth in a monetary amount is to miss why we do what we do in the first place.

4. A Universal Toddler Translator
Now the bible tells me I'm not suppose to frustrate my kids but when I need to ask my Farsi speaking two year old to tell me again what it is he's point to, I'm not sure I can abide by that rule.

5. A Sock Coordinator
I want someone to find the missing mate for each sock in the large box sitting in my hallway. This person will also be in charge of sewing on missing buttons, patching knees in pants, alerting me prior to 9:00 pm that the girls have run out of clean underwear, and keep my boys from going out in flood pants.

6. A self cleaning high chair with shower attachment
Anyone who's fed a baby spaghetti will understand what I mean.

7. Some sort of pharmaceutical (wow, I spelled that correctly!) that will cure my 1 year old of his intense desire to play with dangerous items.
He has $300.00 worth of baby toys tested to be educational and more fun than a weekend in Vegas yet he always manages to find the one sharp pencil on left on the floor and run through the house with it.

8. A 5 minute exercise/dental health plan
I want to be able to get all the benefits of exercising regularly (including weight training) and floss and brush and rinse and flouride my teeth six times a day all in five minutes. That way I can devote the saved time to watching Russian traffic videos on Youtube.

Well, that's my list for now. It's not too much to ask for, is it?

Good Reading

There hasn't been much to write about (that means nothing has gotten my ire up recently). However, I did recently read two very good books:
Not a Genuine Black Man: Or, How I Claimed My Piece of Ground in the Lily-White Suburbs by Brian Copeland
Very interesting book on race relations in California. I thought the West Coast was a little more progressive than us stodgey folks in New England but I guess stupidity can be a national past time. Made me laugh and cry all within one chapter.

Shockwave : Countdown to Hiroshima by Stephen Walker
Very interesting (notice a trend here?) book that documents the countdown to using the bomb. I thought is was a very evenhanded approach (nobody is the obvious villian/hero perhaps because this was written by an Englishman). Its amazing how decisions are made regarding people's lives.

I know I mentioned "To Hell With That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife" by Caitlin Flanagan in a previous blog but the interview with the author in World magazine turned out to be more interesting than the book itself. Although I did like the line about family dinners neccessitating a family who is unambitious enough to be all hanging around the house at 5:30 pm every day.

Right now on the old side table by the bed is a book on the history of the Pill and "The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter" by Katherine Ellison. I thought I'd let the two books duke it out.

Any one of the above books are available at your local library, one of my favorite places. I swear if they served coffee there, I'd never leave.

Feel free to leave some book recommendations of your own.

I'm Sorry

This has been something I've been thinking about recently. Whenever us moms see a particularly thin mom (that is, someone thinner than us) we have a tendency to just go nuts. However well behaved and well spoken we were before, amongst ourselves we unleash a torrent of "Oh my gosh, that's so not fair! Do you see how skinny she is! She's had three kids and she looks like a model! That's just not right!" etc., etc. and so on and so forth. And sometimes we say to the thin moms themselves "You're so skinny! Look at you!"
Why do we do this? Its not like these gals cut in line ahead of us at the metabolism counter. Did they mess with our DNA in a lab somewhere? Have they done anything to us personally to make us bigger than they? I've come to the conclusion that I've merely been acting out of jealousy and that's just stupid. Besides which, we ladies put up with enough image issues from our culture, we don't need to pile it on each other. As the mom of five kids, I've gotten a lot of comments myself (Are they all yours? Don't you know what causes that? You must have you hands full!) and I wonder why people say these things. The comments are not really critical of me but they're not particularly helpful or edifying either. I can imagine its the same for the thin moms. How does it help her that I voice my jealousy to her or even worse, behind her back?
So, to any mom I've might have said this about or to, I now humbly apologise and will endeavor not to do this again. The rest of you can help me be accountable.

A Lesson from a Body Function

So I'm nursing my two month old baby John when he pulls back and flashes one of those smiles. All you Moms know the smile I'm talking about. The one that makes you forgive the baby of everything he's done today, tomorrow and up to when he's 18 (perhaps further if its a really big grin). "This is why I'm a stay at home mom," I say to myself (proudly, which is perhaps the problem),"Why, if I were working I'd miss this precious little smile. Its smiles like this that make it worth being a stay at home mom" Then John passes wind and fills his diaper (he's still smiling, mind you). And that little toot makes me realize that its not about me, its about what the baby needs. I shouldn't stay home with the kids so I can get these cute little moments but because its what's best for them right now.

Notes on Today

Both of these comments pertain to events today.

To the black Plymouth Neon waiting in line at 8:30 am at the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru in Central Falls, RI (you know who you are) regarding the bumper sticker on the back of your car "Any man who can render himself unconscious with a pretzel isn't smart enough to lead the free world": It's called choking! Most people do not voluntarily submit to choking or choose what they'd like to choke on! I can only hope that if by some freak chance you "render yourself unconscious" on something (perhaps it will be your foot but hopefully something more "significant" than a mere snack food), that some kind soul will look past your spitefulness and save your sorry tush.

To the kind lady at the Stop N Shop deli counter in Attleboro, MA at 11:00 am upon seeing me with three boys: My comment was "I'm concerned about when they grow up." I meant to clarify my concern was that they will eat me out of house and home. She replied, "Oh, don't worry. I've got three teenage boys and they're wonderful." She did not, I repeat, did not give me standard line number 56 "Just wait until they're teenagers!" I could have kissed her for that but that would have set off a whole other chain of events (which probably would have made for great blog fodder)

Hey! blog fodder! I've created a trendy term! First Web 2.0, now Blog Fodder!

Finally, A Post!

Wow, close to four months since I last posted. There's probably cobwebs on my site.
I have not been inspired to write on any particular subject so I'll just do one of those insipid "random thoughts" kind of posts (there's a columnist in my local paper who monthly does one of these and gets paid for it!!!!)

Anyway, here goes
1. What have I been up to that I haven't posted in so long?
Playing Spider Solitaire until my eyes bleed!
Seriously, I gave birth to our fifth child on May 22nd (for all you groupies, that's five days past the end of Holy Week). I went to the hospital for a routine test and was told I was in labor. Good thing I got that iced latte before the appointment! John Owen was born via c-section (with enough time for the ob/gyn to make it to his Red Sox game!). Let me tell you what a surreal experience that is, being cut open while still conscious. The little slugger weighed 9lbs, 12oz. I'm hoping for an NFL scholarship for the kid.

2. Bad Mommy Award goes to....
Me! for letting my kid get so tired that he fell asleep with half an ice cream sandwich melting under his leg.

3. Pleeeaase, make them stop!!!
All those people who feel the need to say
"Are they all yours?"
"You must have your hands full" and my personal favorite
"I can hardly handle the two I've got"
I'm doing this to save the Social Security fund! I'm doing this to off set the population implosion in Italy, Germany and well, pretty much most of the world except Ireland (must be the Guiness...)

4. A book I'm dying to read
"To Hell With That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife" by Caitlin Flanagan. Just the title alone makes me want to skip over to Amazon.com. Check out this little tidbit of inflamatory writing (from an interview in World Magazine, July 18, 2006)

"...remember that the women's movement was built on a powerful notion of liberation-liberation from unjust laws, from unfair customs and expectations. The movement achieved powerful aims quickly...What has lingered, though, is a sense that women are still being oppressed and that they have to be on guard all the time. You end up with these crazy arrangements-the wife decides to stay home with the children, but she's darned if she's going to clean, or cook, or do the laundry. She's been liberated from those horrible chores! And the poor husband who works all day to support the family comes home to no dinner, no orderly household, and a cheesed off wife who hands him a cranky baby and complains about her day."

Now ladies, before y'all start sending me death threats, I am by no means saying we should be Stepford wives. However, but the above comment does make me think, how much do I complain about my day and more importantly, I am legitimately trying to find help or just complaining? "Better to live out in the desert than with a nagging, complaining wife." Pro 21:19 (MSG)

5. On a less Preachy note
High mucky muck Vladimir Putin got some bad PR as of late for giving some kid a raspberry on the belly. From Vlad the Impaler to Vlad the Raspberrier. Is this the kinder, gentler Russia? (yes, I know Vlad the Impaler was Romanian) Now Mr. Putin's defense of his actions was that the kid looked too serious and Vlad just wanted to pick him up and "cuddle him like a kitten". Not that I think what he did was outrageous, but Putin doesn't really strike me as a kitten and puppies type of guy. Wasn't Putin formerly of the KGB? Am I to believe this former master of espionage just needs a cuddle every now and then?

Well, that's enough mindless blathering for now. Thanks for stopping by!

More Fun Facts or Why You Should Play Nice

I found this in the Providence Sunday Journal Lifebeat section this week (April 2). Just further proves the points made in previous blogs.

Spouses try a little tenderness
You care about your heart, so you don't smoke and you exercise. Maybe you should also lay off the negativity and controlling comments when you talk to your spouse. A three-year study of older married couples conducted by the University of Utah found a link between the quality of relationships and atherosclerosis, or the narrowing of the arteries that carry blood to the heart.

In the study, researchers evaluated videotapes of dialogue between 150 married couples, (At least one member of each couple was between 60 and 70 years of age) Sitting across a table from each other, the couples were asked to talk about a subject of disagreement in their marriage, be it money, in-laws, children or household duties.

Two days later, husband and wife underwent a CT scan of the chest to determine his or her level of coronary artery blockage. The findings differed according to gender. For a woman, hostility in the marital relationship -whether on her part or her husband's - was associated with a build-up of plaque in the coronary arteries. For a man, the important factor was not hostility but control. Men who were controlling toward their wife, or had a controlling spouse, were more likely to have atherosclerosis.

"A low-quality relationship is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease," concludes study co-author Tim Smith. However, it appears that men and women focus on different factors in gauging a relationship's "quality."
-JOURNAL WIRE REPORTS

Moral of the story? Play nice-live longer!

Women vs. Men, part II

Wow, two posts in one day!

This is the partner to the post containing Hubby's recent opinion survey of women regarding men. He went to the church men's dinner and asked the guys, "What is the one thing you wish women understood better about men?" Below is his report of the responses. As usual, I've interjected some comments because, hey, its my blog and I'll pontificate if I want to!

I think the men responded well to the ladies' survey responses although there may have been a few men that were surprised that the number one response from women was "listen."
Overall, I think men would like women to understand that, while we are different, we are not mindless neanderthals that need "fixing" like the sit-com husbands (not everybody loves Raymond).
My hope is that these surveys would spur conversation among men and women so that we can learn to understand and love one another better. That we could use our differences to complement each other rather than using them as a wedge to divide us.

I love that last paragraph. I told you Hubby was a great guy. Okay, let's continue....

We Are Different (and that's ok)
• Please have respect for our interests and hobbies (even if you don't understand them).

If you want them to have respect for the things you do, you have to show respect for what they do. You can guild the lily by taking an actual interest in their hobbies, but don't try to fake it. I think being patronize hurts more than being ignored.

• Understand that our sexual needs and desires are different from yours.

Men are visual. Make peace with this and then go to Frederick's of Hollywood and have some fun! Read Tommy Nelson's "Book of Romance" (a teaching on the Song of Solomon) and have even more fun!

• We are not always "thinking about something." Sometimes we just vegetate.

I think only women are capable of worrying 24/7 about something (hormonal pregnant ladies take the gold medal in this division)

• A result of our God-given "need for adventure" is that sometimes we do spontaneous things.

Communication
• We are not mind readers.
• Our communication methods are not as complex as yours and sometimes a short answer is sufficient to explain how our day was.

Face it ladies, we've made talking a sublime art form. There's actually a statistic out there that compares how many words are spoke by women each day compared to the men. Let's either not expect them to talk as much as we do or be patient while they catch up to us.

• We need time and space to think about things, especially if it is something important.

James Dobson's book, Bringing Up Boys talks about how early in a baby's development in utero, the hormone surge that creates the male genitals also messes with the synaptic connections between the two hemispheres of the brain. This does not mean men are brain damaged, it just means that thoughts and emotions do not move through their heads at the lightening speed it does in a woman. Come to think of it, we could all benefit by slowing down a bit...

Relational
• We would like to be forgiven when we've apologized and move on. A corollary to this is a request to not project onto us how other men in your life may have mistreated you.

Amen! Holding a grudge or keeping score of when your partner messed up is like taking poison and waiting for the other guy to die. It will make your life miserable.

• We are vulnerable sometimes (we can be hurt) and not always the invincible tower of strength in every situation.

I think a lot of women assume that since men aren't as emotive as we are, that they don't get hurt as easily or that they will recover quicker from a hurt.

• We need some understanding at the end of the work day and time to adjust to being home.

Now here's a touchy subject. I'm going to say somethings that might cheese some of you off. Sometimes we stay at home moms have a tendency to look at ourselves as martyrs. i.e "Nobody else has a tougher job than we do, if your day was bad, mine was worse because I was stuck here with the kids, I don't get a break, etc., etc."
Consider the following:
1. you chose to get married, have kids and stay home with them.
2. even if the kids are horrible, you can discipline them and send them to their rooms for the rest of the day. Can hubby do that with his co-workers?
3. you can completely blow your job and have chance to try again tomorrow. Hubby completely blows his jobs, he could get fired.
4. you can phone it in by having the kids watch two hours of tv. Hubby cannot set the boss up in front of Tele Tubbies and hope that he leaves him alone for a bit.
5. watching the kids grow, listening to their funny statements, getting sponteous smiles, hugs and kisses from them is priceless. When I was working outside the house, I didn't want any hugs and kisses from my co-workers!

If your man has a job he goes to day in and day out to support the rest of you, cut him some slack and give him a nice place to come home to.

• We do have emotional needs. Sensitivity to and affirmation of this would go a long way towards winning us over.

I don't think a lot of us realize this because a lot of men act like neanderthals, but I'd wager that half of that off behaviour is to cover up an emotional need or hurt.

Shaunti Feldhahn, a Christian columnist and author said at a retreat she was on, the participants were asked, "Given a choice between feeling alone and unloved, and feeling inadequate and disrespected, which would you rather feel?" Overwhelmingly, the women chose to feel disrespected rather than alone or unloved. But men said they would choose to feel alone and unloved rather than to feel disrespected. Interesting, eh?

Okay enough sermon, time for chocolate

Can't Help Myself Any Longer

Yesterday I was in the midwife's office and I overheard yet another conversation regarding raising boys versus raising girls (mind you, I was not eaves dropping as these ladies were seated right next to me). Its seems our society has bought into the lie that it is harder to raise girls rather than boys. The usual reasons given are that girls are whinier than boys, more emotional and just generally more difficult. While I realize I'm still in the early years of child rearing, I really feel the need to say a few things about this line of thinking:

1. ALL children are a challenge to raise, girls or boys. Hear me? ALL CHILDREN
2. Where the !@#$ are the feminists to rebuke this reasoning, this somewhat baseless, subjective attack on girls?
3. What blows my mind is that the people usually saying girls are whinier are the women, and quite frequently in front of their daughters. Don't these women remember that they were once girls, or were they the non-whiney, compliant types? Do they not think comments like this affect the girls standing right next to them?

Which brings me to my final comment (advice which I often need to follow as well)

For the love of all that's good, if you can't say something nice about your kids in public-SHUT UP! Stuff it! Pretend you suddenly lost the ability to speak!

hitting a nerve...

My dear hubby, who co-leads a men's group at church, sent out the following question in preparation for a presentation he was making. Since a lot of the respondents wanted to know what the overall results were, we decided to post them on this blog. And since I can't help myself, I've interspersed my comments in his. Justin's original text is indented.

What Women Want

Thanks to all of you who responded to my survey question:
"What is one thing you would like men to understand better about women?"

The results were enlightening. I distilled all the responses into five categories and then assigned each category a percentage of the total responses.

Since it was an e-mail, we were surprised how many responded and how quickly some responded.

1. Listen (33%)
Most of the comments weren't "we want men to read our minds," but "simply listen to what we say and don't be so quick to offer solutions." Empathy seems to be highly regarded among women in general.

A great book to read about the different way men & women communicate is "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen. Its a facinating look into how men & women use language differently. I would make it a must read for any person thinking of getting married. Heck, its a must read for anyone who hasn't read it yet.

2. Recognize we are different (22%)
Aside from obvious physical differences, women commented that they want men to understand they are fundamentally different. The way they speak, think, feel, what excites them, what they need, etc.

Another book to read if you want to understand your man better is "Wild At Heart" by John Eldrige. For those of you with boys, you will read this book and go "Ohhhh, so that's why..." about every 15 minutes. He has another book he wrote with his wife about women for men but I haven't read it yet.
Another comment I would add to this, ladies, is until your man embraces this truth, try to communicate what you need, think, feel, etc. in a way that doesn't make him feel like an idiot
i.e. avoid statements like "Why do I always have to tell you!?"
"Well, duh!"
"Do you think you could....." or the variation "Would it kill you to...."
"That is so like you to not...."

3. Validate us (22%)
I thought it was interesting that this had equal weight with #2. While distinctly different from men, women want to be treated, not the same, but equal. They want to feel they have just as much value as men and that what they say and feel is important too.

This could be a whole other discussion on the impact of the feminist movement has had on personal relationships between men & women, which is a blog for another day. There's also discussion in here for how society views women in general (supermodels, pornography, men with breasts, etc.), how we view ourselves and how we should be viewed.

4. Treat us like a friend (11%)
I don't think this one needs any explanation.

AMEN!! Women are relational beings. I think for a husband to tell his wife "I appreciate your friendship. Your thoughs and opinions mean a lot to me" would send her over the moon. I don't think the same is always true for a man. He would appreciate the comment but I think he finds his value in other facets of the relationship. Find out what sentence would send him over the moon (Yes, "Hey baby, ya wanna..." is a valid sentence. Like the comments show-we are different beings and we value different things.)

5. Respond to requests in a timely manner (11%)
I think this one speaks to the communication gap between men and women. Probably could have been folded into #1.

I think this has more to do with respect. We don't want to be treated at the "little misses" or the "ol' ball and chain" If we ask you to do something and you do it in a timely manner it means "I heard your request and you matter enough to me that I made it a priority"

I apologize for the preachy tone of this blog. I am by no means the authority on relationships between men and women but am merely sharing what has worked well for me and what I've read. I feel I must insert this last comment though. For the love of all that's good ladies, treat you hubby like he's the best thing that happened to you, because on most days, he is!! If you think about it honestly, who else would put up with you? Orlando Bloom is busy, Mel Gibson is taken (with 9 kids, mind you) and George Clooney, Heath Ledger and Russell Crowe are unreliable. On the days when hubby doesn't act like the best thing in you life, he's more likely to rise to the occassion if you treat him well than if you treat him like a pebble in your shoe.

Ok now that I got that off my chest, I'm going to go have some chocolate.

Phoning it in

Well, its been a while and there hasn't been an article or event that got my fur up so.....gasp! I don't have much to say!
Some random thoughts then...
1. I hope y'all watched John Stossel's report on 20/20 entitled "Stupid in America" (I would have watched it just for the title. I especially loved a friend's comment "Gee that was going to be the title of my autobiography."). You can check out an overview report at
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Stossel/story?id=1500338.
Then check out this commentary about it at http://www.gopusa.com/theloft/?p=196
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
2. I'm thinking of starting a list of books called "All Good Americans Need to Read..."
I would love to get everyone's input. I'll start

• book #1 (actually more like an item) THE CONSTITUTION! Yes, if you are older than 20 and you haven't read an actual word for word facsimile thereof, you should be thrashed with a wet noodle.
• book #2 John Adams by David McCullough
• book #3 The Tragedy of American Compassion by Marvin Olasky

I could go on but then I'll sound like one of those wacko conservative pundits.
Wait a minute.....
3. My friend Arlene has a new blog. She's a darling person and its worth checking out: http://dancingtothebeatofadifferentdrum.blogspot.com
4. Justin is as wonderful as ever (I warned you about this in an earlier blog so don't gag at your computer like this is the first time you've heard this!!)

Ok that's enough rambling for now.

About Sunday School

For those of you who do not attend church regularly, you might want to wait this post out. But for those of you who do, read on!

Dear Church Family,

Have you made a New Year’s resolution? Is it to lose weight? Spend more time with the family? Get more involved in God’s kingdom? I’m writing about a particular mission field that needs your help. Some consider this people group uncivilized or unreachable. I say they’re just misunderstood. Their language is similar to our own and the food is actually quite palatable. They’re often overlooked as being insignificant to the larger kingdom but I think they will perhaps be bigger players on the world scene than we given them credit for, but only if we help. Have you guessed this people group? It is the children in the Sunday School classes.

What we do with them now, what we teach them, the time we invest will shape the future of the church. What is our vision for the church? If its big and far reaching, then we need to consider where we’re going to get tomorrow’s leaders from and how they will be made, formed, and prepared for their jobs in the kingdom.

We can think of lots of reasons why we can’t help in Sunday School. We’re not qualified, we don’t “do” children well. Some might think its an insignificant ministry to be stuck downstairs with the kids. But who will say “Yes Lord, pick me! Yes Lord, I will follow!” ? If you do not, then who will? Are you sure there’s a “someone else”?

Jesus said in Matthew 19:14, “Let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Say it again. Say it loud. The big prize we all strive for, hope for, pray for is already theirs! Are you not the least bit curious why? Do you not want to learn what it is about these little people that God has given them the kingdom? His own magnificent creation? Then love like Jesus loved and love on the children through this ministry.

Kids won’t ask for your credentials, they won’t review your resume. All they need is for you to care, to share a bit of your time and the faith that has changed your life. For the sake of the future of the church, that is not too much to ask.

If you volunteer, you won’t be thrown to the wolves. You can simply assist with a craft on up to teaching a whole lesson. But no job is too small. Anything you do for the smallest of these you do for God. In Matthew 18:5 Jesus said, “And whoever welcomes in my name one such child as this, welcomes me.” You will make an impact in the kingdom. And one day, one of these great warriors for Christ will look back and count you among others in their “Spiritual Hall of Fame”.

I use to think I knew about God until I had children. Now I can empathize with God. What I have learned about the nature of God through these kids I do not have enough paper to record. So I invite you to partake. Give and receive. And here’s the big secret (don’t tell anyone): its fun! Yes, honestly. Doing the work of God can provide some of the biggest laughs you’ve ever had.

So take up the challenge. Don’t say I can’t . Say “Yes Lord! Pick me!” The mission field is waiting and the kids want you.

Love, Your Kids' Sunday School Teacher